Lily's Revenge
by Nemainofthewater
Summary: Lily Evans has had enough of James Potter stalking her.Fortunately she has a plan. A very evil plan. All she needs is a victim. And she never did repay Sev for calling her a mudblood… one sided James/Severus but not really.


Title: Lily's Revenge

Author: Nemainofthewater

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise. It all belongs to J.K Rowling.

Warnings: PARODY. Please don't take any of this seriously.

Lily Evans cackled slightly to herself as she stirred her potion. She would teach James Potter a lesson. A very long overdue lesson. There was a reason that she was the one of the best potion makers in her year after all. Finally Lily added the last ingredient; a hair from the head of the unfortunate soul who was going to unknowingly help her with her plot. Now, all she needed to do was to slip this into James' goblet, and her master plan would be complete!She was going to cure him from flirting for the rest of his life.

Severus Snape had no idea how spectacularly bad his day was going to get, but he had a fair idea when James Potter cornered him after classes.

"Well, well, well Potter," he drawled, "Look who's out all on his very own. What's the matter, the mutt's off licking a toilet somewhere?"

James Potter beamed at Severus, and he moved in to hug him.

"Sevvy poo!" he cried, "I missed you so much!"

Severus blinked. Well, that was unexpected. "Have you hit your head Potter? I really hope that you didn't, or else your sole brain cell might get a little lonely."

"That's what I love about you Sevvy! You always have the best jokes!"

"Don't call me Sevvy." Severus growled.

"But it's such a cute nickname! Oh Sevvy, I want to just run my hands through you're greasy hair, and pinch your hooked nose."

By this time, Severus had an inkling of how serious, no, not that one, the situation was, and was slowly edging away from the madman.

"Well Potter, amazing as this might seem, some of us actually have better thing to do with our time than listen to you."

And with that he sprinted down the hall, surprising several first years, closely pursued by a screaming James Potter and cries of "Sevvy! Come back!"

The next day it got even worse. Potter seemed to have memorized his timetable, and kept popping up everywhere that he went, much to the amusement of the rest of the school. In every one of his classes, Potter left him gifts of roses enchanted to sing a song, a horribly out of tune song, about what Potter would like to do to him. It had come to the point where whenever his classmates saw a rose, they ran out of the class screaming.

Whenever he shared a class with _him _it was even worse; he spent all of his time doodling hearts on pieces of parchment and sending them to him. The first time he had screwed the parchment up, and thrown it at Potter, but it had hit Bellatrix Black instead, who had then proceeded to spend the rest of the class throwing him looks that promised extreme pain.

Somehow, he had made it through the day, and he crept quietly back his common room. He had nearly made it, when…

"SEVVY! Are you ignoring me? I love you! Look, I even got a gift for you!" and with that Potter held a mega-sized bottle of shampoo up in the air.

"I thought I could wash your hair for you Sevvy! You, me, a soapy bath... Isn't that a great idea?"

"NO!" Severus decided that he since wasn't in Gryffindore, it would be fine to retreat down the hallway again. Very fast. In fact he left dust clouds billowing in his wake, and won that year's award for the best sprint, and a place on the school team consisting of two mudbloods.

Aweek later Severus was frankly paranoid. He hurried from class to class, and spent all the time possible on his bed which was the only place that _he_ couldn't get him. Every time someone touched him, he jumped and cursed them, and he definitely didn't go to meals anymore.

Stretching back on his bed, he relaxed, and put him out of _his _mind.

"I love you!

You love me!

We're as happy as can be…!"

"Argggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Severus screamed, as Potter started singing from underneath his bed. He ran from his room, and didn't stop until he had reached the Gryffindore common room, and started pounding on the portrait.

"Lily! Let me in! Please, oh God, he's going to get me! LILY!"

An amused Lily opened the portrait, and Severus fell in, and then hid behind Lily.

"Hide me! Quick! I can never escape him! Get me away from him!" Severus was nearly hysterical, and it was all Lily could do to keep a straight face.

"Of course I'll help you Sev! That's what _friends_ are for, isn't it?"

With that she excited and ran straight into James.

"Hello, Lily, sorry, can't talk. Have you seen Sevvy around?"

Lily just pointed into the common room. James got a gleam in his eye, and advanced slowly, then shut the portrait behind him.

A shrill scream rang out, and Lily skipped away humming. The Marauders didn't have a thing on her!


End file.
